Watching the Ocean
by Erin Kaye Hashet
Summary: Set during Requiem, Mulder reflects on how Scully has changed his life.


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Title: Watching the Ocean

Author: Estrellita, aka Erin Kaye Hashet

Rating: PG

Category: MSR, missing scene (set during Requiem)

Distribution: Anywhere! Especially at idealistshaven.com (I love your 

site!)

Feedback: I am, as usual, reluctant to give my e-mail address, so use

the review thing at the bottom of this story at fanfiction.net

Spoilers: All of the seventh season and Per Manum

Summary: During Requiem, Mulder reflects on how Scully has changed 

his life.

Disclaimer: I don't own FM and DS, they belong to CC and 1013 as well 

as DD and GA. They do not, in any way, belong to me, EKH.

Watching the Ocean

by Estrellita, aka Erin Kaye Hashet

We had a spare room in the house I grew up in. It served

different purposes for the rest of the family- guest room, reading

room, do-the-bills room- but only one for me.

This house was in Chilmark, Massachusetts, on Martha's

Vineyard, and there was a window in the spare room that perfectly

framed the Atlantic Ocean. I would have died before letting my family

know about this, but sometimes, if no one was around, I would sit on

the windowseat and stare out the window, watching the ocean.

I never told anyone I did that. I was afraid they'd think I was

crazy. And, in my mind sometimes, so did I. -It's the ocean!- I would

tell myself. -You've seen it a million times! It hasn't changed!-

But my heart knew something my mind did not. That was what

brought me back to the window seat time and time again- knowing that

even though it was always the same, waves going in, waves going out,

tide going in, tide going out, it was beautiful every time.

When my parents divorced, they sold that house, and from the

new one you couldn't see the ocean at all. I hadn't thought about

watching the ocean in years.

But I thought about it last night.

When Scully came into my room, shivering and sick, the first

thought that entered my mind was, -I have to get her warm.- So I let

her into the bed and wrapped my arms around her, and I didn't let go

until I was sure she wasn't cold anymore.

She fell asleep almost immediately after I kissed her cheek.

And she could sleep through anything- she wouldn't wake up if a

garbage truck went by in the middle of the night. So I gently climbed

out of bed and sat in a chair.

I looked at her- and I saw the most beautiful thing I've ever

seen.

I saw her lying on the pillow, her ivory face framed by red

hair spread out like a fan, breathing in and out, in and out, like

waves, or the tide.

I sat there for hours, just watching her sleep. Breathing in

and out, in and out.

Just like the ocean- always the same, but beautiful every time.

That night in my apartment, watching Caddyshack, we grew close-

closer than we've ever been, if you know what I mean.

And now- it scares me, seeing her sick like this. It makes me

fear the worst.

-Cancer.-

It was painful even to let the word enter my mind.

It would be the cruelest, most painful irony for this to happen

now.

When I've thrown out all my pornos.

Thrown away all my old girlfriends' phone numbers.

Finally admitted to myself that I love her.

There, I said it.

-I love her.- 

Not just as a person. I am in love with Dana Scully.

It wasn't a big revelation or anything. Deep down, I'd known it

for a long time.

I have never felt this way about another human being before.

It's amazing, really. When I first met her, I thought she'd be some

annoying agent spying on me, and now here I am, wondering how I could

possibly live without my constant. My touchstone.

No, I thought. She can't have cancer. She can't. She just has

the flu or something. She'll be fine_._

She'll be fine.

I sat there watching her until I finally fell asleep.

*** 

"Mulder."

When I open my eyes, I see red- the brilliant red of her hair,

as she stands over me.

I blink and stretch my arms over my head. "Scully… how are you

feeling?"

"I feel fine," she says, and when I give her a look, "No,

really, I feel much better."

"You sure?"

"I'm sure," she says, then looks back at me. "Mulder. Mulder,

did you sleep there all night?

I slept there, I think, but definitely not all night.

"Oh, Mulder." Her voice is guilty. "Mulder, I'm sorry- I didn't

want to force you out of your bed."

I look at her, surprised. "It was no problem, Scully."

She's frowning. "But I'm so sorry- I'd hate it if someone did

that to me-"

"Scully," I cut her off. "I sleep on chairs and couches anyway.

And besides," I reach forward and put both hands on her shoulders,

"after all you've done for me, the least I could do is let you have

my bed on a night when you really need it."

All day long, I think about this. All she's done for me.

God, where would I be without Scully? I probably would have

killed myself by now. Look at all she's done for me in the past year

alone.

She went to Africa to try to help me when I was sick. Africa.

For me. And when Diana Fowley died, she cried along with me, even

though I know she hated Diana.

When my mother died… my God, what would I have done without

Scully there to hold me? There is no one else I trust enough to cry

in front of. I can be as weak as I want in front of her, and it's

okay. When I'm with her, it's all okay.

We've become so close, I can't even call her just my friend

anymore. When that woman asked me if I had a significant other, I

couldn't say no. I don't know what Scully is if not significant.

Years ago, I would have eagerly run off to investigate crop circles

and given nothing else a second thought. But the whole time I was in

England, I couldn't concentrate. All I could think about was Scully.

God, I was sure I was going to die when I inhaled that

cigarette smoke. But she saved me- by giving me nicotine. Nicotine.

How did she ever think of that? 

I don't know when it happened, but at some point my morning

thoughts turned from "going to the office to work on the X-Files" to

"going to the office to see Scully." She's given me a reason to wake

up every day.

That's why I didn't think very long when she asked me to be her

baby's father. I know how much she wants children, so when I had the

chance to give her one, of course I did. It absolutely broke my heart

when she came into her apartment sobbing. I felt like I'd failed her

somehow, even though it wasn't my fault.

Look at all she's done for me. The least I can do is give up my

bed.

***

Skinner and I are leaving for Oregon today.

I had the strangest feeling last night, like everything was

about to change for me. Last night I lay awake on my couch, just

thinking, I have to see Scully.

As I knock on my apartment door, I check my watch. Six o'clock.

She's going to kill me. Especially since I have no way to explain why

I'm here, only this feeling in the pit of my stomach that -I have to

see her.- 

It's a long time before she comes to the door. When she does,

she's sleepy and bleary-eyed. She doesn't look good.

"Mulder, what is it?" she asks, her voice weary.

"Scully, I want you to go to a doctor," I blurt out.

Great. That came out right.

Scully blinks at me. "You came here to tell me that?"

She's annoyed with me. "I'm just worried about you, Scully. I

mean, you're sick-"

"I know I'm sick!" she snaps. "I don't need you to tell me I

feel lousy."

"But you fainted in Oregon," I protest, suddenly feeling stupid

and guilty. "I'm just afraid that…"

She exhales. "God, Mulder, I am fine!" she cries. "Don't say

that. I just have the flu or something- that is all."

Maybe she's right. I feel more foolish than ever now.

"I'm sorry, Scully," I say at last. "Maybe I shouldn't have

come here. It's just-"  
She's looking at me impatiently.

"It's just I'd like for you to call me or something when I'm in

Oregon," I finish, "so I won't be worrying about you the whole time."

Scully's face changes. The anger and annoyance melt away, and

her features soften. "Okay," she says, gently.

And she suddenly understands. I don't have to say anything

more.

I turn to leave. "Hope you feel better."

"Mulder," she calls, and I turn back toward her.

"Mulder," she repeats, very softly, "I love you, too."

I stand there for a full ten seconds, stunned. I've heard the

words so often in dreams that I think I must have heard wrong.

But my heart knows something my mind does not.

I step forward and kiss her lips. She kisses back, her hand

caressing the back of my neck as my fingers run through her hair.

I step back.

"I will call you," she says.

I nod. "I know."

Silence.

"Goodbye, Scully," I say.

"Goodbye, Mulder."

I turn to leave her apartment. My heart is pounding with

elation. 

-She loves me.- 

I take one last look at the woman I love.

I can go now.

End.

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